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Gosh, what happened yesterday?! All that cheerfulness has been attributed to an overdose of sunshine. Don’t worry, loyal readers, I’ll try not to let it happen again.

It has just come to my notice that I’m a bit of a compulsive progress checker. In the room I like to call The Study, but in reality is nothing but a jumble of empty boxes, stationery and dear departed feline paraphernalia in such a state of disorganisation that causes me chest pain just to think of it, lies a soft grey notebook I have kept since before I started my training. From time to time I write in it something important I have learned. At other times I read it to reassure myself that while I may not be brilliant at my job at least I am less bad than previously.

I think it is a good system, and my goodness if there’s one thing I love more than progress tracking it’s a good system.

So, where was I last year and where am I now? Last year, I must admit I probably let myself down a bit. I was smarting from what felt a bit like betrayal at the time. The harsh reinforcement of the idea that I’d long carried with me, that I was incapable of engendering any kind of loyalty in what were probably only my so-called friends, was crushing. Being already tender from heartbreak just added to the vulnerability, not the wrong. I must admit I still don’t understand the reactions to my self-inflicted hermitage. Does not being friends automatically mean you must be enemies? Seems a bit high school to me. Or maybe one of those completely valid and understandable defense mechanisms that Derren Brown told me about – where would I be without his advice, that’s a far more important question!

How about now? I’ve been thinking about it recently, following that unwelcome and quite frankly offensive article of correspondence. I can only come to a conclusion that, unfortunately, supports the assertions of a lack of feeling and humanity. I don’t really mind what other people do, as I suppose no one should. I’m quite happy that other people, suited to each other in their own dysfunctional ways, find happiness. Everything has worked out fine for everyone. A happy ending so obvious now though invisible to me a twelvemonth previous.

I’m conscious that I would never have exposed my thoughts to the whole internet a year ago, for worrying about the smug judgemental ridicule that people spout from behind their Friday (every) night beer moustaches. But exposure of the rawness that lies just beneath the skin is, to my surprise, rather helpful. I would never have visibly caved in front of my colleagues prior to the loss of the people I, mistakenly, believed were the only ones I could talk to. But later, following the loss of my dear departed feline, my open sorrow was met with hugs, biscuits and all the easy jobs for a day. Pretending to be strong had never gotten me anywhere.

A year without change seems a year wasted. I hope for better things for all in the year to come. And I already know one of next year’s resolutions – as long as I don’t get impatient and hit it this year.

GRPs for a teeny tiny bit of “gardening” (wonder if I’ll have time for a bonfire this week?): +1

Total so far…

  • Karma: +20
  • FRP: +172.6
  • Relationships: +4
  • Family: +10
  • Friends: +13 [Supplementary PPs: +2]
  • Career: +19
  • Fitness: 0
  • General: +8
  • Hospitality: +1
Lyric of the Week: Every time I close my eyes it’s like a dark paradise.
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