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No, that won’t work, it’s entirely the wrong word.

At times like this, you can look back at the amount of cheese you’ve just eaten and think one of two things:

1. Oh my goodness, I’m a disgusting individual.

Or:

2. Oh my goodness, that was amazing.

In a curious coincidence of timing, a post popped up in the spam comments from someone listed as “Gout Cures.” It looks as though I needn’t plummet heavily on the side of the fence labelled “1.”

Since my attempts at living sensibly for the year 2012 have ended up like this:

  • Karma: +16
  • FRP: -66.4
  • Relationships: +6
  • Family: +9
  • Friends: +16 [Supplementary PPs: +2]
  • Career: +10
  • Fitness: +22
  • General: -3
  • Hospitality: +3

I think we can say I need another year of trying. So lucky you, loyal readers, you get to keep on reading.

For all of +16 KarmaPs, where did it get me? It was still the second worst Christmas ever (after the really boring one where I didn’t get to drink very much and the present was very ill judged).

As for the FRPs, if you believe -66 then you’ve been had. Admittedly I do have some savings now and the credit card bills have all been paid but I’ve been back in the overdraft since well before my marvelous times down under. When the mutha asked how much it all cost me I was tempted to cause her a funny turn by telling her the truth but I took pity and just said it was “a lot of money” knowing full well she’d still get dizzy at anything that wasn’t in L.S.D. (pounds, shillings and pence for those who didn’t grow up imperial). As for the savings, they are destined for investment in the Camper Van Fund (CVF), you will of course be kept up to date on its progress.

GRPs will have obviously taken a hit due to my not seizing the day and doing sensible things like getting property markers, timer lights and tidying away the valuables as soon as I thought of it. The Met have kindly sent me a property marker in the post but what’s to mark now? The clock with the dull brassy chime? My untuned piahno? The 20th century stereophonic equipment? Obviously I would mark the Jeff Wayne’s War of the Worlds records but in the event of a divorce I don’t think I’ll get them.

FitnePs on the other hand would receive a boost from my recent attempts at running all the way around Nunhead Cemetery. That’s right. Up the hill. More than once. That’s my new route and long may it continue. Also, following a shocking gumtree bargain, I now find myself in ownership of a bicycle light enough to not take out the back window of a braking car. It’s so understatedly gorgeous I look forward to my new resolution of cycling to lots of places. I may live in fear of birdstrike or sexual harrassment but at least I’ll have buns of steel and a heart as big as Phar-Lap (amazing film by the way, had me blubbing like a baby).

Another resolution is to be TIDY. Knowing the heartache it might have saved had I but kept a tighter ship might just be the motivation I need to put things away every once in a while. Hence the introduction of a new scale: Tidy Points or TPs (teepees). “Nice and neat” said Mr Neat. “Neat and tidy” said Mr Tidy.

Of course the most important of all my resolves, the first step in a ten year plan, is the greening of my fingers. This may well have to wait until spring but look out RHS web site, I’ll be a drain on your server and that right soon.

So, here it is, the 6th day of January 2013, some sort of epiphany or something, and I’m only just giving you my New Year’s Resolutions. Well, you’re lucky it’s so soon. I’m now in a fortunate enough position to say something as enviable as “my partner is away on business” and thus I have a little time to spare for you, loyal readers. And for a tipple of port whilst quite alone. I thought that was a slope I’d never slip down. Where is the hand I was supposed to hang on to?

So, here we are, embarking on a twelvemonth of unsettlement and all thanks to an odd-numbered year. Bring on 2014…!

TPs for putting the clean clothes in the drawer instead of dumping them on a chair: +1

  • Karma: +16
  • FRP: -66.4
  • Relationships: +6
  • Family: +9
  • Friends: +16 [Supplementary PPs: +2]
  • Career: +10
  • Fitness: +22
  • General: -3
  • Hospitality: +3
  • Tidyness: +1
  • CVF: +3000
LYRIC OF THE WEEK: YOU’RE THE WORST THING I’VE BEEN ADDICTED TO
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